Monday, May 5, 2008

Cute Little Buggers

I finally figured it out.

The real problem I have with a lot of current BMX parts.

It's not that they're too light.

It's that they're too CUTE.

A BMX bike is supposed to look mean, like a rabid charging rhino that's been equipped with machine guns and then set afire. There's supposed to be all sorts of huge chunks of metal and pointy bits and rust and scars and tears all haphazardly covered in black spray paint. Like a beast straight out of Revelation.

This, of course, is difficult when a lot of current parts look like this:

You can try and fool people with those super-wide bars and fat tires, but all that does is make it worse, emphasizing the parts that are small even more. So a lot of modern bikes wind up looking like this:

Instead of this:

Here's just a few examples of parts that are simply too cute, some of which have been seen here before in a different context.

This roly-poly little fellow shouldn't be on a bike, he should be in Hollywood looking for a Pixar movie to star in. Can't you just see it? He could get lost, befriend a mean Redneck and a tipsy Bottleneck, and embark on a series of goofy adventures before successfully joining a pair of Lumberjack Bars with a Race Fork.

2. Snafu Shorty Hex Pegs

I can't decide what these look like more—hi-tech salt and pepper shakers, or exhaust tips for a pimped-out go-kart. BRAAAAAP!

3. Odyssey Junior Lumberjack

The Odyssey Junior saddle is strange, as it resembles the adult version exactly, just on a smaller scale. Kind of like an Olsen twin. That said, I think they blew it by doing the Lumberjack plaid. What they should have done is use a green plaid and called it the Catholic School Girl. Would have sold out in seconds.

4. Federal Slammed Pivotal Post

The only way they could make a cuter seatpost would be to make it out of pink plastic with helicoiled steel threads. Which is probably in the works. Or maybe they could put little faces on them and sell them with birth certificates. Come to think of it, it wouldn't take much to make a li'l Pivotal look like Beaker:

5. Profile Nano-Drive Imperial Sprocket

Poker chips? Some sort of new-fangled Asian coinage? Old rotary phone dials? Something out of Kanye West's jewelry box? Regardless, they look like something you'd find in a gumball machine or an Easter basket, as opposed to classic sprockets which looked like something you'd find in a medieval armory. Parts that appeal to 16-year olds are fine. I get that. But when they start appealing to five-year olds is when I start to get worried.

(I'm not even going to get into Cory Jarman's bike, which is a set of tassels and a white basket away from being marketed directly to the Strawberry Shortcake set.)


Stephen said...

Bikes are no longer instruments of destruction.

When I think of what BMX is to me, I think of Ralph Sinsi wearing a "Destroy" shirt with a busted femur. Now BMX is pre-pubescent again. It's balls have no hair on them and it still doesn't have a need to wear deodorant.

Rich said...

Very true... The last time I ran stuff like that was when VG got real big around '96 haha. Anodizing just doesn't look cool to me. Looks to much like a race deal. We used to try and make our bikes looks as mad max as possible.

Anonymous said...

Already running out of content I can see.

Second time I've seen you complained about the federal post and drive stem.

Weak man.

Anonymous said...

I would like to see a photo of your bike. maybe you have posted it before. i dont get on here much. but i would like to see what your talking about as far as a mean bike. I had one back in like 98. it was bad ass, but that weighed 50 pounds, and i dont know if i want to put a motor bike chain back on, no need really.

Anonymous said...

yeah lets put your money where your mouth is..

John Lee said...

More Salt... bmx is the same as it was in 1997 as it is today, Older guys then thought new stuff was lame like you do now.

Anonymous said...

I think the issue relates to the fact that cuteness is marketable to males now. Probably as a result of MySpace, metrosexualization and emo music.

Anonymous said...

bmx has been around for 35 years and your current stick is redundant after less than a month.

DBZ said...

Nothing says e-tuff like anonymous.

shawn said...

i'm not trying to hate, i really want to see your bike. this is shawn from portland. i want to see a non cute bike if you have one. i bet dbz has a mean ass bike.

DBZ said...

Russ has a foul, brutal bike--neon cranks and forks notwithstanding.

Anonymous said...

you forgot to put plegs on here
they're both cute and ridiculous

Aaron said...

everything you need to know is in this thread:

Anonymous said...

yeah dbz, instantly traceable. suck ten you fucking nobody

tim said...

if it was called a catholic school girl would you get in trouble with the law for having sex with it?

Russ said...

My bike is a lot of things, but cute isn't one of them. I'll post it eventually. I suppose I'll have to since I'm running out of content. HA.

At least I said different things about the Drive stem this time. In fact, I'm tempted to write about that thing for the next two weeks straight.

shawn said...

yeah that thing is crazy, i was working at goods one day and they called the shop and had me look at it. I had no clue what to say. I didnt think it was for bmx, maybe some race thing.

Anonymous said...

This is the BEST blog i've ever seen... Whoever says your running out of content has their head up their ass

Riders today might as well wear make-up and heels as well to match their cute bikes and tight pants