The Worst Idea Ever

I want to like 2Hip, I really do. Ron Wilkerson obviously means well—he's been riding forever, and every year he continues to put his money where his heart is. But then he comes out with stuff like this, and I literally reel in amazement:


The "Groovetech" steering system hasn't been written up on the 2Hip site yet—no surprise, since said site seems to be updated semi-annually at best—but it did earn an article on RIDE (a glowingly positive one, no less). Sigh. Basically what we have here is a four-piece bar with an oversized, splined clamping area, a stem that is complementarily (!) splined, and a steerer tube with three notches that match up to splines on the stem. Greater engineering minds than I could probably write 50,000 words on why this is a terrible idea, but allow me to just present three or four reasons I thought of all on my own.


1. It's too obvious.

If this were truly a good idea, it would be on the market already. I have no doubt that other companies have prototyped (or at least sketched up) similar products and rejected them. No doubt whatsoever. Virtually anyone who runs three-piece cranks has wondered "hey, why don't they make splined steerer tubes?" Then someone explains why it's a bad idea, and they move on to wondering why that hot girl from Thursday never responded to their text message and whether her Myspace would be easy to find even though all they know is that her name is Heather and she lives in Brooklyn. Or was it Manhattan?


2. Some slippage is good.

Back in 1985, when Ron was airing five feet out of six-foot quarters on bikes built for 12-year-olds, slippage was bad. You had tinfoil bars held by beercan stems, and death (or at least unconsciousness) was always waiting right around the corner.

Things work better now. And even if your bars do slip, it's generally not catastrophic. You go to your bag (or someone else's) pull out the multi-tool, re-adjust, and keep trying those tailwhip flyouts. With the 2Hip setup, your bars and stem won't slip, but they WILL bend. Or crack. Or shear off. Which means instead of a simple re-adjustment, you get to go home and order new bars. Or a new stem. Or a new fork. Which brings is to the next point...


3. Compatibility.

Unless this system catches on (which it won't), you're buying a whole 2Hip front end. Good luck with that. And once this is patented, other companies would have to license the "technology" before making their own gargantuan stems and hideously ugly four-piece bars. (Can you even make two-piece bars to fit that stem? And if so what would they look like? Maybe éclat will make a converter for "regular" bars.)


4. They're ugly as sin.

Not sure whether anyone's noticed, but BMX is all about aesthetics these days. Damn kids painting their bikes to match their outfits and whatnot.

Hold on, I'm shaking my cane.

OK. Regardless, if you're gonna come out with some sort of revolutionary new product, it had better look as good as it performs. Otherwise it's just not going to catch on. And this setup, while it may have looked cool back in like '95, just isn't gonna cut it today. Like my man Jules Winnfield once said, "sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker." It's the same thing. Trust me.

I kind of hope this whole setup is just a hoax like the Lumberjack Slams. But I don't think it is.

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This feels strangely appropriate:

Vicious Acts of Tierraism

Liam Fahy-Hampton, Ride cover subject and scooterer extraordinaire (news flash: bikes have chains) just got a signature frame from Colony. The "Hell Stallion" has generic tattoo flash graphics that make Norman Collins cry and the following specs:

Full Post Heat Treated Colonized CrMo
TT sizes - 20.85 or 21.25″
HT - 75.5 degrees
ST - 71 degrees
CS - 13.75″
ST height - 7″
Weight - 4.8lbs


It's a long flatland frame, more or less. Another generic tailwhip machine with a steep headtube (75 degrees isn't steep enough?), low toptube, short rear, and sub-5 pound weight. Terrific. Figure out what tricks you do most, and then design a frame to make them easier. Fahy-Hampton is talented enough to do what he does on a "normal" frame (as is someone like Kevin Porter, who after all, rode for Standard before getting on Fly), but instead he rides this specialized contraption.

The Tierraists have already won.


(I love frames with no mounts and holes for Gyro tabs.)


The worst offender in this regard, of course, is Blackeye's Cory Jarman, whose signature frame, the Killorado (why do all these frame names sound like W.A.S.P. songs?) is an abomination against everything ever. It looks like a stripped-down girls bike from Toys R Us. I know he does 180 whips down stairs, but it's ridiculous for the same reason it would be if someone hit 2,000 home runs while using a special aluminum/carbon bat. I hesitate to call it cheating, but it's pretty freaking lame. Would you ride this? On purpose? More than once?


You'll get your chance, as Blackeye is allegedly producing a limited run of Killorados for the general public. And by general public I mean Cory's immediate family.


(Dude, that's not impressive. Stephen Hawking could jump over your bike.)

The best part about all these squashed frames is that they're inherently weaker than a "conventional" double-diamond frame. And by "conventional" I mean "having a seat tube". The bigger the triangle, the stronger the structure. To a point, I suppose. Not to mention it would be really embarassing when you hit your cranks on your seat.

They're more or less practice bikes, something to learn a specific trick on before switching to a conventional bike. Hell, Cory's bike should be called "The Foam Pit." Watching someone ride that thing for a whole video section would be like watching them ride a tramp bike.

Regardless, I can't wait until somebody "designs" this, just with a 77 degree headtube:

This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

I present to you the Nike 6.0 Mogan Mid:


It's supposed to be a homage to ramp builders, hence the circular saw blades (which remind me more of W.A.S.P.), "plywood" (which looks more like cheap blinds), and bent nails. Bent nails? Isn't that a bad thing? What's next? A trails shoe decorated with tree roots and barbed wire? A street shoe with skate stoppers and broken glass? This is quite possibly the most disgusting shoe ever made—the kind of thing a well-meaning parent would buy for a soon-to-be-disappointed kid. Hint: If you're gonna buy your kid these shoes, buy them a can of flat-black Krylon as well.

I'm not one of those people who's entirely opposed to Nike being involved in BMX and skateboarding. This is not just because (full disclosure) I know people there and occasionally get product for free. Nike does more research when it comes to shoes and the foot than any other company. And I have more faith in a giant shoe company figuring out the needs of BMX than I do of a BMX company figuring out how to produce shoes .

Then again, maybe I'm wrong.