Wide Or Die

The other night, bored by whatever NBA playoff game was on, I decided to go on the Dan's Comp website and see how many two-piece bars were available that were at least eight inches tall and 28 inches wide. I believe there were 22. And that's just different models—if you break it down further with colorways and such, there are probably something like 80 different variations available. And that doesn't even include bars like the FBM Ape Hangers and the Animal Sway Bars and the Sunday “Forumph” bars which weren't on Dan's for whatever reason. So it’s probably more like 100.

All of these bars are direct descendants of the venerable S&M Slam Bar (above, itself still available in eight different variations from the same parent company, if you count S&M race bars as well as offerings from Metal and Fit), which itself was just a beefed-up version of the even-more-venerable GT Pro Bars. In the '90s, if you wanted a large two-piece bar, you had a choice: Slam Bars or Strip Bars. You could just flip a coin. Now you need some Dungeons and Dragons die.

But more choices must be better! Right?

Well, there sure are more options these days. Bars differ (albeit slightly) in upsweep and backsweep, even in width and height. (The 8.25"x29" Grand Slam and Fit Sky High bars exist just in case Gary Ellis starts racing again—although I think he'll be disappointed by modern seatpost choices.) Backsweep ranges all the way from 10.5 degrees to 12.75, and upsweep from zero degrees all the way to 2 (the Tree Branch Bars actually have a four-degree option, and the Sunday Forumphs are four degrees as well). So yeah, they're different. But only so much.

(Also, a bit off-topic, but are we about done with the cutesy handlebar names? We've had Slam Bars, Strip Bars, Gay Bars, Dive Bars, Nudie Bars, Sleazy Bars, Wack Bars, Prison Bars, Cell Bars, Juice Bars, Milk Bars, Karaoke Bars, Holy Cross Bars, Iron Cross Bars, Hot Bars, Turn Bars, Candy Bars, Chocolate Bars, Mitzvah Bars, Variety Bars, Mustache Bars, Love Handles, Bar:E:Os, Fubars, Space Bars, Glam Bars, Electro AND Elektro Bars, Scenester Bars, the Vinnie Bar(barino)s, Regal Beagle Bars, Sissy Bars, Chicago Bars, and—God help us—the Roseanne Bar. What did I forget?)

So anyway, when is a choice not a choice? When pretty much every "big bar" available may as well just be a Slam Bar with different stickers (and heck, some, like the Fit and Metal bars, most likely are exactly that). And when every company decided "hey, our team riders and all those kids are riding big bars—we'd better make some!" And sell them to…who exactly? At least Sunday bars will save you some money at the powdercoaters if you want to match them to your Wave frame. I can’t help but think there are going to be a heck of a lot of leftover big bars being sold on clearance when the pendulum swings the other way and small/low bars come back in vogue. Oh, that’s right, they won’t because big bars give you more control. My bad.

(I also find it funny that every company under the sun makes a big two-piece bar, but hardly anyone offers four-piece bars. Sure, they’re heavier than two-piece, but a lot of people run Bob Bars anyway. You’d think a bigger Castillo/AD Bar would be a no-brainer for S&M. Guess not.)